Monday, June 4

i will be your shoulder, as you grow older...(courtesy of Mr J. Blunt)

me and my 'pretty sweet' wedges went out today. i was armed with my band aids for the inevitable blisters and felt pretty good...after several yards of walking i realized i needed to have brought my zimmer frame as well...suddenly the grocery store entrance appeared to be further and further away. i knew if i could just make it to the door i would be able to prop myself up with a shopping cart...i successfully accomplished the grocery shopping in twice the amount of time it usually takes me...but the real horror unfolded as i was paying my bill. as i looked down, i realized that the 'putting it on in a hurry this morning, fake tan' was doing a very nice job of appearing in splodges of orange all over my arm...this has taught me a very important lesson about fake tanning moisturizer, it is indeed as 'evil' as the original fake tanning creams and it does not go on well if you are trying to juggle breakfast, feeding pets, answering emails.
and what ever you hope by applying it, everyone knows you are trying to look like you haven't lived under a rock for the past six months...

anyway, i know that you did not come here today, dear readers to hear about Tif and her grocery traumas, oh no, i know that you were anticipating an exciting post about 'boxes'. this is the first of many 'boxes' this week..(silent prayer has just been sent out to my mail man to get all the said 'boxes' to my house pretty darn fast...) so let us begin...



"what's in the box, Tif?", well i thought you'd never ask, but since you have, it really does require a bit of explaining (surprise, surprise) before i reveal (doesn't that sound so exciting..) so brace yourselves it's another long haul...

i was born the youngest of four children and my diet consisted of two things, Chocolate Spread on toast and Luncheon Meat...this is not because my mother was an "ill trained parent" rather because i refused point blank to eat anything else...by the time i was nine they insisted i ate a boiled potato before i could have my Luncheon Meat...there were always tears that followed.

i have eaten this food all through my teen years, just adding in Mars Bars and French Fries for good measure. then i met my man, who proceeded to tell me all about the "fish that had been fed solely on Luncheon Meat and that they had started to grow extra bits to their bodies" article that he had read. needless to say, i haven't touch a slice since...but i do have a passion for chocolate spread on toast, and this had been my breakfast up until we moved to the states, seven years ago.

when we arrived it became clear that there were two things my man had not enlightened me on before we moved...#1. we were living in an earthquake zone (i did not find this out from him, i discovered it in the grocery store, as the earthquake hit) and #2 they do not have chocolate spread...they have 'nutella', but that is not CADBURY'S CHOCOLATE SPREAD...

and so for many a year i have existed on token jars that have come via family who came to stay (god bless them), i hide them so the kids can't find them (not the family, the jars, silly)...

but a 'happy day', the best kind of 'happy day' came last friday...a box for me sitting on the porch...my man told me it was to celebrate the success of getting into the newspaper...and this is why i choose to live with a man who often says "Tif, i haven't got any clean underpants", "we need to talk about the dinners, Tif" or phones me late on Christmas Eve, while standing in Antropologie with 'man blinkers' on and says "Tif, i can't see anything in this store that you would like"...


"living in fear, now she has laughed in the face of 'Mr Bad Luck' "~ Tif

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

you're so funny...i won't try the tanning lotion but tell me what do you think of the miracle cream? i could use a miracle i can buy at target :) laura
ps i'm making my husband read this post!

dottie angel said...

do not worry, i will be revealing the miracle cream at some point, i have been doing 'consumer testing' for all my dear readers and will be publishing the results soon!!

Francesca said...

what IS that? some kind of casserole? can you do a hair colouring post too...the grey is starting to take over and i'm wondering when to start colouring and when to stop. don't want to end up one of those old ladies with two-tone hair.

dottie angel said...

oooh, i could become like one of those day time shows...where i feature certain make-up and skincare products that have been sent to me for FREE!!! ooooh i like the sound of that, now how do i go about it...tee hee (my new favorite word of the week)

and YES that is a lovingly made Casserole...it tasted fine (not according to the kids,) but really quite frankly when in a bowl, it looked like something the dog had thrown up...so sorry...

Kristy said...

Oh Tif and I really thought you had taste! Chocolate spread on toast -yuck!!Give me marmalade any day!

Ragged Roses said...

Ooh I know that feeling when you get halfway to the shops and realise that your feet are just in agony! My youngest daughter would live on nutella if I let her.
Kim x

debbie said...

Good grief Tif that food looks utterly revolting! This post just made me laugh out loud. Thanks for brightening my day yet again.

Gigibird said...

There really is no justice in this world – after reading about what you eat and thinking about how super slim you are I feel like crying – it certainly must be all in the genes. I was a fussy child – but my staples were brown bread(Hovis) and butter with cocoa to drink.
I have long given up fake tan – every year I would buy some use it the once – then spend the next day scrubbing my orange ankles, smelling a bit ‘funny’ I gave up. I am pale and interesting and proud!
Once again I am pontificating reading your blog when I should be painting.

Hear Me Roar! said...

wI laughed, I cried... it became a part of me.

That's how I feel about your blog.

I laughed out loud at your dinner, some of mine have looked the same way, usually around the end of the month when I'm trying to be "creative" with what's in the cupboard. Oh yes, and WHO KNEW that there was such a thing as chocolate spread??? I happen to be a Nutella addict myself, can't you tell by my lovely figure? I've consigned myself to only having it on my birthday in place of cake. To me, it's THAT good. You have a GREAT man, and I had to point this out to Travis. "See??, that's what a man is SUPPOSED to do!"

Nancy said...

I don't know whether to laugh or cry when I read your stories! I am addicted to chocolate..... but spread.....? on toast???? What a sweet man you have! Nancy

Violette Crumble said...

Aside from See's Candy (only available on west coast) my other true love is English Cadbury (and of course the Aussie Violet Crumble). I never even saw the spread and I seriously bring an extra case with me when going to the U.K. to stock up on Mark's & Spencer's tea cakes/petit fours and Cadbury's from the duty free zone.

Where can I get the spread? Anywhere online you know of?

~Jennifer said...

I'm a stay-at-home mom and I've been lurking for the past week (catching up on your archives when I can) and am enjoying your blog so much! Your humor has me chuckling and your sewing projects are beautiful and inspiring! I love all things vintage but especially buttons, lace, and linens.

And now I've come out of lurking to ask about the Cadbury spread. It sounds delicious and I'm wondering how/where to order it from? :)