Thursday, May 19

pins of paleness...

today i have dared to pottle outside the shed with my pins of paleness.
a thrift store pottle no less.
happens every single year,
waiting and waiting for Mr Sun to show his warmth
and then he does,
thus resulting in me shedding my woolly skin of tights
and revealing my 'pins of paleness' to the world.

to add to my woes of exposure
the recurring issue of my undies has reoccurred.
no longer held in place by my woolly attire,
they are once again left to their own devices.
several pairs past their due date of 'high elastic retaining' qualities
are far to great a risk to wear.
the others though, i noted with their elastic still intact
appear to be a little snug,
"how can this be" i cried with alarm,
twirling around to catch a glimpse of my derrière.
i froze with shock,
for there lurking below my back was a friend,
a fast growing friend,
a 'bottom of great proportion' had attached himself to moi.

he was not there before.
i do not recall inviting him to join me
in any way, shape or form.
but then all became clear
as i frantically retraced my moments
of the past six hibernating months of winter.
i turned 42 in september.

there should be a book out,
perhaps there is.
"what to expect after 40"

turning 40: you may wish to cry, this is perfectly normal behavior for some one leaving their 'youth' behind. do not fret, it will pass

turning 41: you will by now have got over turning 40, however you may notice odd things like nostril hairs appearing. do not fret, do not renew your glasses prescription, live in denial, this is perfectly normal behavior

turning 42: your bottom will grow, you undies will dig in and sadly, your chest will stay alarming flat, thus highlighting the 'grandness' of your derrière. do not fret, nor weep. this is perfectly normal behavior for a bottom of your age. chose not to turn around and try to glimpse said growing bottom, for two reasons, it is behind you and therefore out of sight and out of mind. and secondly being 42 you now also have a jippy neck and back and it would not do to 'put it out' due to trying to glimpse your large new friend hanging on behind

turning 43: you will wake up and find your knees have disappeared...
and so forth.

yes, how brilliant is that, do you see dearest readers,
i have totally forgotten my pins of paleness now
by focusing on something else,
albeit my undies and my bottom
and indeed my peachy thrift store finds
hurrah hooray!

her lovely adopted auntie is coming for tea tomorrow ~ Tif


Linda Lilly Cottage said...

Oh dear, sometimes it does seem like all is down hill from 40....but what about the life begins at 40 mantra...perhaps that just means a new life getting use to all those horrid things happening...oh no! I was hoping it was something much more exciting and have waiting and waiting!
I empathise with your undie problem, I do, i truly do!
Kiss Noises Linda

Sécia Mischke said...

HAHAHA. Love it! I turn 30 this year and am kinda freaking out a bit.

♥ sécia

donna!ee said...

amen sister...i'm there with you but i have also experienced the wonderful of forty something then fifty's all good under and around the hood!!! :)

Jane Cardie said...

It's all so unfortunately true, but it's the chin hairs with me and I say pluck the blighters out! Perhaps the joys of nostril hair are yet to be relished, can't wait!! Love your blog, it makes me smile so!!

Arthur Ransome said...

Oh Tif, what a brilliant post! Thanks for making me laugh at the sad turn of events that is ageing and our ageing bodies. Recently I made the mistake of buying extra large leggings that I then wore on a night out only to discover that they were so large they had a life of their own and wished to descend over my enormous derriere to the welcoming ground. It made for a rather strange evening as I furtively tried to hold them up through the material of my frock. I think my companions wondered what was wrong but were too polite to enquire.

Carol said...

Oh dearie me, what a state you are in - falling down drawers! elastic of the loosest kind! a derriere of great expansiveness that arrived at dead of night. I shall not reveal the delights of what might attach or detach itself from you in the forthcoming decades, but searching for lost marbles can become a regular pastime.
Carol xx

mayaluna said...

Oh Mercy! I turn 42 in a month.

I'm Deborah said...

ho, ho..... your post did make me laugh...... out loud too!

I shall be turning 42 in July and I too have noticed some unnerving and unwelcome happenings..... all mirrors in my house now reside high up on the walls..... high enough so that when I stretch my chin up {to make sure I have not left any breakfast on it} I loose my extra chins...... perfect solution....

hope you have a happy day.....

D :o)

Miss Holly said...

I am laughing out loud!!!! Especially about the undies..

Teresa Kasner said...

You're just a baby and a nice thin one at that. Try being 62 and quite un-thin like me. You've got it made! Love your blog.. hope you pop over and see my blog, I have new photos of the Columbia River Gorge and some fun photos of the flowers on my 100 year old farmplace! Hugs, Teresa :-)

ruth said...

Oh Tif! That's a hoot! Do you want to hear what goes on between 42 and 72? No? OK, I'll keep it to myself. It isn't pretty!

Pamela Holderman said...

Ha ha you gave me a much needed laugh. And the sun was definitely wonderful today and even tomorrow - how will we ever handle so much warmth? Now just wait until your 50's...sigh.

Heather said...

Oh, this made me laugh, it did! I enjoyed it you mean to tell me I only have 7 years left to appreciate my nearly non-existant bum!!??

Susan said...

To solve your undie problem you really should check out Thunderpants. They don't go up your bum. This New Zealand company makes the most comfortable underwear ever. I have been buying underwear over the internet for almost ten years. For the whole family. They are great.

Shabby Vintage Junk said...

....hahahahaha....I won't TORTURE you Tif by giving you advance warning as to what you're going to have to endure when you hit 46....I'll leave that for a big ole SURprize.... :o) !!!!!

Have a LOVELY weekend....!

Cheers from Oz,
Tamarah :o)

Donna -Little Tiny Stitches said...

You so crack me up :o)

It's 7.30am here, and I'm so glad I just did a sneek peek on your blog before getting on with the chores as you've made my day :o)

You have the most lovely way with words...I'm only glad though you didn't find that 'bottom of great proportion' on Monday or Tuesday... :o)

Have a great weekend Tif. XXOOXX

Ps. I have a very apt 'word verification' for this comment:

Rubyred said...

Oh Tif, this post is hilarious and had me choking on my cornflakes!!
At 43 I have managed to escape nose hair, well at the mo anyway! But what I have acquired is some little age spots on my hands!! You don't notice them when my hands are open but when I make my hand into a fist they are definitely there! My dad has them but he's 71 its allowed!

Nevermind dear Tif, for when forgetfulness sets in, we will forget to look behind at our aging rears!
Rachel x

Jacquie said...

Hi Tif , thanks for the chukle true :0)
Love that little granny blanket ,it's adorable .
Jacquie x

Vera Amos said...

I too have bottom that appeared when I turned 42, this was followed by a bust at 43/44 woo hoo, never had much of one! But now at the grand old age of 45, a wobbly soft tyre has appeared on my front! So just walk a bit faster, or skip if you can and don't feel guilty, at least you have your health! Nx said...

I love it I am going to turn 43 this year and have a botty that just follows me around eating my undies too.

Little Blue Mouse said...

Ha ha, I love how the bottom of great proportion has attached itself to you! I'm having the same trouble.

Bonnie said...

Ha ha!! That was hilarious! I love the "out of sight, out of mind" bit! Thank you for the laugh. I am 32, so you have given me a lot to look forward to! Have a lovely weekend.

Bonnie said...

oh my , I forgot to add how I love your pretty crochet blanket in the photo! Such lovely colors!

Pomona said...

Just wait until you are 49 and encounter a major clothing crisis - all advice is to wear 'neat little jackets' and act your age, and cover your fat arms. So I went out and bought plimsolls and a short-sleeved floral frock from a charity shop ... I think I am in denial.

Pomona x

Selfsewn said...


I think I have a similar friend, though at 36 he's still a part timer.

Thanks for cheering me up!


fee @ chipper nelly said...

9 sleeps til I turn 40 (already have the nose hair) so thanks for that timely advice. I think.
fee ♥

dottie angel said...

don't you just love knowing you are not alone!!
ha ha hee hee!

how can one not wish for a pair of undies called Thunderpants!! i will be checking them out :) if only to beable to remark to any who may care to admire my undies,
"oh are you talking about my thunderpants? why they have special powers you know"

thank you my dears for giving me a good old chuckle this morning, the very bestest way to start the day :)

Rachel at Stitched in Color said...

Thank you, thank you, Tiff. The best of us have big bottoms.

Maria said...

hahaha! i'm turning 42 next year and am indeed living in denial! glad to know it's perfectly normal.

Unknown said...

Do not even get me started on fifty-four...I won't spoil the surprise)s)!

dottie angel said...

have a lovely weekend my dears, wobbly bits and all :)

catnap said...

I've been grumpy all day, for reasons I won't bother to expound on, on top of daily feeling frowny over all the same issues you so eloquently described.
I will never be the same again; I haven't laughed so much in a long time. You're the best thing that happened to me all day. Thanks for sharing. Does it really matter what we look like? I don't read your blog because of what you look like, although your picture is charming. It's what you say and make that I love.

tamdoll said...

Oh my gosh. I'm turning 42 in August and I think my rear is getting prepared already.

Love your blog and your photos.

Gianna Caputo said...

sad..i've had nosehairs for as long as i can remember. who am i kidding, i've had hair everywhere for as long as i can remember. i'm sicilian...haha

SLW said...

Your post today had me rolling with laughter. I am turning 41 in August. It is best not to renew your eye glass prescription as you won't be able to see any better anyway. Best just to buy sunglasses. I think you should write the book, I will buy it!

bethrecordcollector said...

nice afghan


dottie angel said...

you got to smile haven't you! it is warming to know we are not alone with the 'trials and tribulations' of such things!

Catnap, right there is the most perfectly perfect wording to be embroidered!
'you are the best thing to have happened to me today'
isn't it brilliant! thank you my dear for inspiring me to break out my embroidery thread again :)